Change

Yeah, I know I havent been here for the longest of times. But ohwell.



I'm here already. Where I've been working for the past 5 weeks. Yet it's over in a splitsecond. Sometimes I really want to be him there or her there enjoying life as it is. Well, life here as it is isn't life as it is. I've lost something. You know that feeling when you no longer have respect for someone that you wanted to become. So badly. I nearly became them. Part of them. Not anymore. Yet, the worst part is, it's mutual. I don't agree on things you think is true. From the mountains to the valleys. What I've been living with for years, it's all gone. Just because I choose to honour another commitment doesn't give anyone any right to hate me or the rest of us. But who am I to say that. What the people with power say is always true, and what people with no power say is false. I choose not to stoop down to this level. To get to the top, do things. Things that I object. But it's false anyway. Everything I've taken for granted, they've all been taken away from me. Things to do? Suck it up, be happy and wish for that better day to come.
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Trust. Obedience. Surrender

9.45pm, I heaved a sigh, They were not going off yet. After cell most of my cell members were waiting for their parents at the pick up point. I had to walk out to the neighbouring carpark. I looked around. No one to walk out with. I couldn't wait anymore, didn't want to anger my mum again, after what happened the last time. As I started walking, something told me to walk slower, for some reason. I slowed. Additionally I took the long way, weaving through the illegally (or so I thought) parked cars on the little lane. Because I walked so slowly I braced myself for a practical joke from behind, I hoped for it, someone to walk out with. But none came. It really is a pain to walk out alone and no one to talk with. I looked up into the night sky, only a star in sight. It was not very bright. I told God in my head, "God, if it's your will, take everything away from me. If it's your will, take her away from me. Take my relationships away from me, take everything that is ungodly away from me."


Wait, hold it a second!

Did I just say that?!

I thwacked myself on the head. What have I just said??! Tatarsauce, I could never do well with all that stuff mentioned earlier. Never. Something's gotten into me.

But, thinking back, I realised that there's lots of stuff in my life that's not doing well. It has been so hard to come to this point. Like everything's so uncertain, it's so hard to let go of anything, let alone everything. It's so hard to trust God with lots of stuff that I hold dear in my life. Like what Dr Corne Bekker had said, if he was a person in the Bible, the Bible will be much longer than it is today. Same goes for me, if God were to tell me to go somewhere for Him, I will not unless I know what I'm going to do, or what's going to happen. But things don't work that way. God doesn't want just 90%, or even 99%, He wants 100%.

Sometimes I wonder how to live my life, of course, I screw up every now and then, and it's making things really hard for me. One day I picked up a St Hilda's Primary newsletter lying around. After reading through and seeing what accomplishments they have,  something caught my eye. It wasn't exactly the most attention-seeking thing, it was rather in super small font. It said,


Love Sincerely. Serve Humbly. Learn Continuously. Lead Wisely. Live Responsibly.

I guess it's taken too long for me to realise what these values meant. It's been 2 years (coming 3) since I've left primary school, and it's only now that I feel the full meaning behind it. Its values. Values of Christ. Yes, before I continue I have to confess, that even though I've been seeing this for 3 years on end in primary school I still struggle with some of these things a lot, honestly.

Love Sincerely.
I guess as followers of Christ we all should love our neighbours sincerely. Jesus said, "Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 19:19) I'm certain that this is what God wants us to do, as the most basic thing, is to love our neighbours as ourselves. Earlier he said, "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Our love should resemble that of Christ. We are the salt of the earth and a city on a hill. Salt gives taste while a city on a hill gives light. We are sent into the world, to find the lost through the power of God. If we cannot love sincerely we are losing our saltiness and dimming our lights, to put it bluntly.


Serve Humbly.
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. .... The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth" (John 1:1, 14) I find this rather astonishing, but like it or not Jesus set this example for us, and we are to follow. No doubt Jesus is the king, but he did not come to be served, but to serve. One well-known example is that he washed his disciples' feet. In those days the roads were not like those today, covered in concrete. Then, the roads were dusty, like those dirt roads. Whenever someone comes the first thing for the host of the house to do is to send someone to wash the visitors' feet. It was a dirty job, no doubt. Jesus washed his disciples' feet, and after that he told the others to do the same. This meant that we are supposed to serve other people, and not to be served.

Learn Continuously.
Sometimes when I study I have really really negative attitudes towards subjects that I resent. I slack of on these subjects, even though the exams are in like 4 days I'm still like that. But I guess it's a conviction of this extremely negative attitude of mine.

Lead Wisely
I guess leadership is not really at all a bed of roses, rather a bed of roses... with thorns. Being the leader for 10 weeks had taken its toll on my not-so-strong will. Today I still find that I have a calling to lead, but I have the calling too to step up on my ministry. I have this plan, to form a gospel band in vjc next year, and I commit all this into the Lord's hands. A leader is supposed to guide his followers onto the path of righteousness. I will do what it takes.

Live responsibly
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." (1 Corinthians 19-20 ) I guess one thing we have to do with ourselves, our physical selves is not to abuse it but to take care of it, because the Holy Spirit resides in it. We are commanded to take care of ourselves. 

Transition

It hasn't really occurred to me that with my choices on the path of education to take how much time I have left with what I have currently. Yes, that means that I don't really have much time left with friends that choose to remain behind. Term 4 is just about 7 hours away and yea, time is really running out. I guess that having you guys as classmates for 2 years is really a great joy, but time flies, and to tell the truth, I'm not really dreading Term 4, not because of the SA2s, but because that I can serve you guys again, before our transition to Sec 3 and our respective streams.

I haven't really realised how to do things as I go around with my daily life, but yesterday really gave me a break. Serve with humility. Have a heart of servanthood. Set the example. I guess this is going to be the last time I will be able to serve you before we transit. I will make the most of it. Maybe I have offended you one way or another during the course of this year and last year, now is the time that I confess and apologise, if I've done anything bad to you or offended you inone way or another, whether I know it or don't know it, I'm sorry.

I guess it's time for me to take the next step of faith. Although there are many things that are very uncertain in my life, I know one thing, that God's light still shines when all else fades, and even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 

Humility. Servanthood. Example.

Reflections

Though my eyes may fail me
I will follow after You
Though You promise seems forsaken
Ill remember the worlds in Your hands
Youll find me singing


You are unfailing God
Your loves unending
And Your word is eternal
Firm in the heavens its stands

Though sorrows my condition
And pain holds back no blow
Though this be my darkest hour
Your lamp is leading me home
Youll find me singing

You are unfailing God

Your loves unending
And Your word is eternal
Firm in the heavens its stands


Eyes cant see but I feel You near
I know Youre working through my tears
I trust You Lord I trust You for You never walk away

You are unfailing God

Your loves unending
And Your word is eternal
Firm in the heavens its stands

Unfailing God
Unfailing God
Your Love is unending

You are unfailing God
Your love's unending
And Your word is eternal
Firm in the heavens it stands


It's the end of the school holidays, and come to think of it, I haven't really been a very good time manager. The breakthrough that I have been hoping for ever since 2 posts ago never came. I also haven't been doing a lot of QT these days, and after doing it this morning I felt super refreshed. It is a great feeling to know that the new term's going to start on a high for me.

However this holiays were not as smoothful as you may think. Imagine a warehouse, where all the things are kept. That warehouse represents my life at that time. Now this warehouse is not an ordinary warehouse, the goods on all the shelves are placed in the wrong sections. For example a box coded Z is put under A and not Z. In other words my life was pretty messed up, with all the things going in the wrong places. I was really upset and angry with God and I lost it. I lost the faith. I lost the hunger for more. But soon after that some things cleared up, and things became a little better. It was not until yesterday's service that God touched me the most, with this song. God is unfailing, His love is unending and it is firm. It cannot be changed by anyone or anything. If you were to watch the video on the right it tells a really touching history of the song 'Overcome' by New Life Church. It complements the fact that God is really unfailing, and His Love is eternal.

Reflecting on this June Holidays it has been a good break from school and the Bali trip was really one of the most awesome ever. Something I would like to mention is Mariokart, the most (K)ompetitive game ever, with 7 to 8 [human] players (Really, everyone got hit by the same blue shell). Yea, there are cases that people get fed up with their performance and DC (disconnect). I will emphasize on two points here. Firstly, winning isn't everything. Yea, you may think it is easy for me to say that since I usually perform well. But remember, like everyone else, no one is perfect. I also have my bad performances too. If you're from 2A and went to Bali and was among the people playing Mariokart you would remember on the fourth day before lunch we played Rainbow Road. That was my extremely poor performance. I blew my engine at the start and fell off the track (at least) 3 times. Even if I came in one of the last it was still enjoyable. I could never forget the experience. But as I say winning isn't everything. Like some people's philosophy is that you compete to win (No mentioning names). I tell you that this is not the case. Why did people invent games in the first place? To win? Obvoiusly not! In a similiar situation, what makes you feel happier, having good grades but you know you cheated during that exam, or getting not-so-good grades and reside in the fact that your integrity is intact and that you have tried your best? Unless you don't have a conscience I hope the answer is the latter. Similiarly it's not always about winning.

Even as I am saying this now there is something heavy that I have to say. Many times I can also fall victim to this 'winning-is-everything' philosophy and sometimes play ugly to get the top few (like 'bonk'ing people off the track). I know bonk-ing is not really illegal or anything, but when I came back home and reflected on what I did on many occasions, believe it or not that was under my classification of "playing ugly". I apologize for that. Sometimes I really get fed up with the must-win attitude people, which is different from people that are hungry to win. In other words the hungry-to-win people are not actually hungry to win, they use winning as a form of motivation to spur them to play well. There is a difference. Sometimes the must-win people can also turn out to be me, unknowingly. Playing ugly is a symptom. I feel that unless I correct myself of this mistake, I am in no position to stand here and fulfill God's calling for me to be a leader.

I would also want to make a public statement of my faith. Yes, that means I'm getitng baptized. This is a public invitation to all of my friends to come and be a witness to my proclamaiton. The service will be on 11 July, 2.30pm at Riverlife Church, 6 Loyang Besar Close. It is a Sunday. I reallt hope that you are able to come and that I can share this joyous occasion with you.

God bless.

Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

My name is Winston Smith. I am a British soldier embroiled in the tumult of World War 2. It is a funny feeling to know that, if you go to war, chances are that you would never make it back. The saying goes: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori - It is sweet and right to die for your country. But things I have seen in the course of the war so far has changed my perspective: intimidating cannons, intense gunfire and poisonous gas. I doubt if I would survive today. 


These morbid thoughts rush through my mind. I shake them off. No time for self-pity. No time for regret. I'm in a helicopter, ready to parachute right into the raging battle below. I can hear the thundering booms of heavy artillery. Tightening my shoulder straps, a comforting hand rests on my shoulder. It's my lifelong friend, James Williams. We are as close as brothers, going through thick and thin. He gives me a reassuring, if weary, smile. Neither of us is looking forward to this. I return his smile and embrace him, then walk towards the gaping opening at the side of the helicopter. Our captain, a hard, uncompassionate man by the name of Evan Johnson glares at me and gestures at us to get moving. That man is in charge of a squad of a dozen crack troops and is well suited for the task. He never seemed to care for his troops a single bit, waking us up at 5 in the morning just to do a million push-ups. I detested him. He stood by the side, as rigid and dispassionate as a statue, as I jump out of the helicopter.


As i plummet downwards, I feel adrenaline rush through me. The wind stings my eyes as I plunge into the fiery hell that lay below. I pull at my parachute strap and my parachute opens. As I approach the ground, I hear the sounds of live artillery, men screaming, explosives defonating. I focus on my mission, pushing all thoughts aside. Here, only the strongest survive. 


As soon as i touch the ground, I severe my parachute straps and dive for the nearest trenches. The trenches were full of mud and corpses, and I feel like regurgitating my breakfast. I huddle down with my rifle. Around me, bullets whizz past and grenades explode. Shrieks of the wounded and dying fill the air. I glance around at the soldiers around me and look at their weary, frightened countenances. This is not what the recruiting officers had told us. There is no such thing as glory in war. 


"Winston!" Somebody suddenly tumbles into the trench. It is James. 


"This place is a mess," James yelled over the clatter of machine guns. I nod, unable to speak. My throat is parched. There is a ear-splitting explosion, followed by a scream. I turn to look. I wish I hadn't. A soldier has been blown to bits by a grenade. I turn away, bile rising in my throat. 


I raise my head to look over to enemy territory. Barbed wire everywhere in the no-man's land. Shells whistle and hit the ground, causing clouds of dust to appear. I am certain that there are mines there too. I grit my teeth and swallowed in trepidation. 


"Winston!" James hollers. I trudge over, boots sloshing in the quagmire. "We attack the enemy position in three minutes!"


"That's crazy! They've got machine guns and artillery! Who's the idiot that commanded this?!" I exclaim in disbelief. 


"I don't know! We'll be slaughtered!" James sighs wearily. 


I look at him and he at me. We embrace again. 


"Remember our oath: look out for each other, and we might just survive." James mutter


"After all, if we die we die for our country." James smiles faintly. Ah yes, dulce et decorum est pro patria  mori. 


That will be the longest three minutes of my life. These just could be my last. A whistle blows. War cries holler, shots being fired. Rifles being raised. Prayers being made. Teeth clenched, knees shaking, I pull myself out of the trench and advance towards death. 


The route is horrible and bloody. Soldiers being torn apart by bullets and blown to bits by mortars. I raise my rifle and fire several shots, rewarded by the sight of an enemy falling. No remorse, no guilt. Only weariness, anger and pain. I advance past bodies, past mines, past grenades, with James by my side. 


A black object flies past. A grenade. James doesn't see it. It would be too late if he does. I make a heroic decision in that split second. I dive and push him out of the way. A searing pain shoots through my legs as the grenade detonates. I lie on the ground, badly wounded. James is fine. He stands up, locking eyes with mine. He will make good his side of his promise, wouldn't he? He looked at me. He turned and ran on. 


Disbelief courses through me. That must have been a hallucination! He will not abandon me. I stare numbly at two charred stumps: what was supposed to be my legs. But it is true. He abandoned me to die. I watch him run, I watch him get shot. His body jerks and spasm. I watched him fall to his knees, as though in prayer. I watch him die. Hot tears blur my vision. Impossible. Him. Dead. I start to weep for a person who I thought was my friend. I want to die. 


Someone scoops me up. Captain Evan Johnson. I'm just totally puzzled. Covered in blood, he limps with me in his arms back to the trenches. Nearly there. Ten metres. Five. Three. He suddenly jerks and his body goes rigid. He collapses, and starts to cough out blood. The bullet lodged in his chest. He looks at me wearily, the coldness in this stare gone. He wheezes. 


"Why... Why did you save me?" I blubber. 


"An officer... always looks out... for his men... lad... You... have your life ahead of you... Use... use it wisely... it is a gift... From me to you... Remember... the fallen..."  


With that he shoves me into the trench. I will never forget his words. His unfocused, calm eyes as his head hits the ground, unconscious. Evan Johnson, had died. 


I started weeping. I started weeping for James. I started weeping for Captain Johnson. I started weeping for all the soldiers, giving their lives for a senseless dispute. A medic comes up to me. I will live, but the memories of the horrible war that will eventually claim millions of lives will leave me emotionally dead. Dead on the battlefield. 


It was a lie: Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori. Where was the sweetness in killing?


I would live, but I had died. 

-Joel Lee

Kudos to Joel for writing this essay (Yes that was the highest in class). After learning more about this type of thing, I fully realise the bad stuff about wars. Before this I always thought war was sorta like something like for fun, like a game of Halo or some sort. However history has proven time and again that revenge does not solve all problems, it just makes them worse, and sadly, thickens out history books. 

Breakthrough

Personally I never felt that this was going to happen after all the stuff that's been happening to me, like the mindsets of people are rapidly changing, lots of stuff going on, I guess this can be considered a breakthrough for me in this area.

When I brought a friend to church last year (No mentioning names :) ) I didnt expect all of this stuff to happen, like he went for camp, got hyped and well, that was that. I soon became extremely saddened to see such a huge fire get extinguished all of a sudden. The desperation, the fire to please God, was gone. Just died.

Months passed, and his condition deteriorated week after week after week. I couldn't bear with it anymore, it was just so heartbreaking to see such a fine young person with the passion lose his fire after such a short time. I wanted to give up. Thing started happening, and I was already going to make up my mind.

Then my breakthrough came. He dropped me a message  saying how bad he felt over what he had been doing over the past months and that his parents allowed him to come back to church again. I was happy, no, more than happy to hear that! My breakthrough had finally come just 3 days ago.

Bad Day...

Sigh, i think today i had a really bad day, looking back at what's happened i wonder what will follow. Due to many intriguing issues/disappointments this has been one of my worse days of the year. Even though today was supposed to be an EXCELLENT and AWESOME day it proved otherwise. Just ask Jon, Nat and Nicole. Hahaha :) please keep me in prayer as i try and sort out the funny stuff that's happening now ;) thanks :)

Once again I want to give a really big THANK YOU for all the support you've been giving through the duration of this blog. :DD

Regards
Caleby